- 02.10.2001 -

It comes in threes

Well I finally left Ipswich but it wasn't easy. Everything was packed and ready to be loaded into the car except for the TV, video and my blanket. Treating myself to a KFC I sat watching TV with the window open. There was an explosion outside that made me jump. It won't be until the next day, listening to the car radio that I would learn that the explosion was the generators at the UGC cinema across the river blowing up. That was to be the first of 3 events that would happen tonight.

Sometime later I heard shouting outside. I ignored it as it sounded like the usual drunken banter you hear late on a Friday night after the pubs close. Then I heard a splash. Looking outside I saw some guy splashing around in the river Orwell. Now the Orwell is not the cleanest of rivers and does share a lot in common with the Ankh.

I had incorrectly assumed that this drunken lout had toppled off the bridge into the river. The fact that he was giggling while practising his breast stroke and that his mates on the bridge were also removing their clothes, lead me to believe otherwise. Another one jumped in. The first swam, for a ladder and made his way out while his mate decided to do lengths for a bit before getting out giggling, coughing and wheezing. I don't want to think about what he swallowed while he was in there. After living by the river for the last 6 months I could tell you a thing or two about the hygiene of swans that might make you look at them in a different light.

I said there were 3 events that happened. The third came much later. It was still humid and I had my window open. I heard this scream of rubber as someone slammed their brakes on real hard. The vehicle seemed to brake for ages before a loud crash resounded off the walls of my flat. Looking outside I saw the patrons of the burger stand across the river all start running up across the bridge. I dived for my trainers and headed out the door.

A car had come up the road from the train station a tad too fast and could not make the turn. Narrowly missing 3 kids on mopeds who had stopped to fix something on one bike, the car had hit the nearby church and scraped along its wall ripping gutters and anything else on the side of the building from the ground to about 4 feet up the wall. If I had stayed in my flat looking out I would of seen the car recover, spin out and roll down the hill, over the bridge only to come to a rest at the roundabout at the bottom.

Getting to sleep now was going to be a problem even with the window and curtains closed. There was about 6 police cars, 2 ambulances and a fire engine on the scene flashing their lights and lighting up my room. The occupants of the car was slowly extracted and taken away and the police collected statements and car debris. I drifted off sometime later.

I slept in. I wanted to travel before dawn to avoid the traffic. No chance of that now. It took me ages to load my car. I kept worrying that there wouldn't be enough space and I was right. I ended up leaving stuff like cleaning fluids, brushes and small stuff that is pretty cheap and easily replaceable. I also had to leave my TV stand with the refuse, as there was just no room. I was going to give it away anyway. I got it for nothing so no loss.

I nearly never left Ipswich. The guy who wanted the mountain bike never showed so I had to strip that into pieces and somehow fit that in. Also I still had the double bed. I was preparing to stay another day when someone turned up and made me offer. I took it eagerly! I don't want to think of the loss I took on all the furniture I sold off. I was going to give it all away free to my family anyway. I guess now I have some cash in my pocket to show for it. The minimalist in me was screaming "see what happens when you buy stuff?"

Anna had stopped by to drop of a pressie before I left. It was a photo album with some photos of all my mates. Great present Anna! I felt sad about leaving but at least now I'll have the visual aid for the memories. And you never know I may be back!

I wasn't in any rush to get back so I grabbed breakfast at McD's before dropping the keys off at the estate agents. Then I left. The drive was slow due to traffic jams. There was a pile-up in the fast lane and I must have been stood for 20 minutes at one point with my engine idling, not moving. I couldn't turn the engine off as the starter motor is fucked and can take up to 20 tries to start the engine. So to avoid further delay as well as embarrassment, I sat there watching the petrol gauge go down.

I love the rain but it started to take the piss when I couldn't see ten feet in front of me with my wipers on full. I pulled into another McD's for a milkshake. Twenty minutes later and the queue had not moved. The lazy bastards were too busy talking to each other. So much for fast food. A furious mother decided to voice my thoughts and started in on the poor girl on the till nearest to her. She delicately pointed out that this was not fast food using lots of words with no greater than four letters.

It feels weird being back home. It's not like before but I never expected it to be. My stuff is all in boxes and stacked away. The computer is all set up so I can indulge my addiction some more.

Oh yeah, I've started to read Lord of the Rings book one.

- 03.10.2001 -

I think I may have lost my license

Middlesbrough has changed a lot since I was last here. A lot of new buildings have been built and roads have been added, diverted and had their speed limits reduced. Most of the estate cut-through's are now 20mph and the rest of the roads are 30mph. Combine that with the new speed-reduction scheme that is being run here and you get a lot of annoyed motorists, especially me.

You see I have been running errands for people in my car and I was not aware that new cameras had been installed on the top of traffic lights. You get your picture taken if you exceed the speed limit by one mph! I think I went through 6 today at about 32-33mph. I'm not sure because I can't use cruise control at low speeds so trying to keep a sports car under 30mph while watching the road is not easy. If I did exceed the limit I may have lost my license. So paranoid am I that I have parked my car at the bottom of our driveway, as I don't intend to use it again. I need my license to get my motorbike in Oz!

...

I was hoping to get fit or at least a bit fitter while at home but mum's cooking is too hard to resist. Not using the car means I have to use my mountain bike so the exercise should do me some good.

Part of my plan to get ready for my trip is health checks. I went to the dentist for the first time in over 2 years yesterday. Oh dear. The news was not good. I have to lay off the soda pop, which I have been using as an alternative to water when thirsty. Ipswich water is so heavy with limescale! (Well that's my excuse)

All that sugar has taken its toll. Now I have to have some work done that requires 3 appointments and about £100 goddammit!

Time on my hands has given me the opportunity to put some time in on the story line for the 3-week comic strip I have been meaning to do for ages. The working title is 'Detox 3.0' but it will be a separate story from what I have done before using existing and new characters. I'll try to get strip #1 on-line by Monday but it looks like I'm going down to the Midlands for a bit shortly to see some relatives.

- 08.10.2001 -

How to make friends and surprise people

There wasn't much happening at the moment so when I got an invite to go down to the Midlands to visit some relatives, I jumped at the chance. Well, I haven't seen them in years.

I didn't fancy staying in Friday night so Uncle Dave, Dad and I went out to get a drink. The local brewery here is Banks and trust me when I say that they suck. I tried the Mild and that tasted so bad I left it. I had ordered a Guinness but it had a funny smell. The barman said he hadn't served Guinness in over two weeks. This did nothing towards dissuading my latest opinion that people down here have no taste.

After switching to JD at another pub (only £1.25 a shot!) we got to talking to a local whose head I bit off after he called me a Geordie. The southern twat. Some guy had walked in carrying a pool cue case. He was so anal that he blew the dust off a shelf before setting his case down upon it. He then got out his fancy pool cue, assembled it and gives it a bit of a polish. Then he stood in the corner and watched others play.

"That's Chris that is" said the southern twat. "Is he not going to play?" I asked. He proceeded to tell me that he is waiting for someone to challenge him. Now I must point out that I'm a tad tipsy at this point, bordering on downright drunkenness. So when I say, "I'll challenge him" it's out of a severe lack of inhibition and an over abundance of confidence.

My Uncle puts his money down on the table and says that I (he points to me) will challenge him to a game. However before that I have promised to play Dad so Chris says he will have the advantage of seeing me play before our game. Of course I win but barely. His confidence is boosted.

What happens next can only be described as pure luck. I'm so inebriated at this time that I manage to pot some balls on the break followed by potting a further two with one shot. He manages to pot two of his own down superbly before I then proceed to unleash my powers of pissed-are-we. Minutes later I am on the black and it's a hard shot. Overflowing with confidence I take aim and manage to pot it to everyone's amazement including mine (And yes Hing the white stayed on the table). A handshake later and he leaves. All that and he only plays one game? I'm later told that no one beats him. I'm sure if I was sober I would not of but hey..

I'll skip the next day. We've all been through it before. Relative A turns up and everyone goes do you remember him/her? No? Well you were only this high back then. Then they proceed to tell embarrassing stories about what you got up to as a baby.

Come nightfall and we were on a minibus heading to a local club. I'm a bit down at the moment and everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok. I have no idea why I'm down. I just am.

The extraverts in the group immediately get in full swing and dominate the evening with their loud giggling and crude jokes. I'm so bored that I manage to finish my first pint before anyone else. And the second, third and fourth. Hmm.. Maybe I'll get drunk and that will help? Nope. I can't get drunk and people are now trying to keep up with my drinking. Pint 6 is downed after which I switch to JD. Still not drunk. I decide to pay a visit to the gents. Or at least I would except my legs are cement. Damn.

The next bit is a tad hazy so I'll write what I remember.

At some point I got it into my head that I should do something that is so not me. I have a reputation in our family of being the sensible one. Whereas my sister is the wild child I am Mr.Reliable. I save my money, I don't do nightclubs, I don't mess people about, I don't do drugs or smoke.

So I lit up a cigarette and proceeded to smoke it while knocking back my shot. "Oh my gawd.." that made their jaws drop and I tried to suppress a smile. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure you believe that smoking is no biggie but it is to this lot when it comes to me.

The next morning I would be told that I was asked if I had done anything else that they did not know about. Apparently I'd smoked a cigar and got laid before I was 16. I don't remember saying that. Maybe not going to further family gatherings is a wise decision.

What I do remember is throwing up and swearing off drinking forever (yeah right) and having to drink a lot of water the next morning. Do not mix Guinness and JD folks! I also went for a 5-minute walk to clear my head in the cold morning air but it turned into an hour when I managed to get lost. I ended up in some street where every parked car had had their nearside wing mirror ripped off.

The drive back was wet and windy. Cat phoned to say USA & UK were bombing Afghanistan. Oh great. When I would hear about the plane in Italy the next day I decided to put my trip on hold until further notice. I am still going but my mother is having a nervous breakdown about me travelling anywhere at the moment. And I suppose if I were honest, I am a tad worried myself.

…

Some guy knocked on the door asking to borrow a pen and also to see if I wanted to sell the Supra. The weird thing is some years ago someone had called by and offered to by my Austin 1300 and I had said no. Then later, when I came to sell it, no one was interested. Could this happen again? Is it time to sell my wheels and get some new ones? Or maybe just have no vehicle for a while to save the folks the hassle of looking after it. He left his number and I am still thinking about it.

- 09.10.2001 -

Doctor Do-little I presume?

I headed over to the medical centre today to sort out my next course of jabs only to be told that I should of made an appointment with my GP first and not the nurse. The nurse can not do anything without a GP check-up first as technically I am a new patient. I point out that I have been at this practice all my life except when I recently lived in Ipswich. She apologised again for the cock-up (they were supposed to tell me) and placates me by going through the recommended injection speech. However there is a twist this time as she tells me that I need a course of treatments that will take up to six months to complete and are not guaranteed to work (WTF?). For that they want £200 or thereabouts. She explains about prescription charges, costs of the vaccines etc etc. I'm still registering shock at the amount.

I try to make an appointment with my GP but he's sick and they don't know when he will be coming back. I see. I make an appointment with another.

Next I visit the dentist to get a few fillings done (this is part of my make-sure-I-am-healthy-before-leaving-the-UK plan). My left side of my face would remain numb for the rest of the day.

It took me twenty tries to start the car afterwards. The damn starter motor was playing up again. I still haven't decided to sell the car yet. I've only just started using it again to get around. Despite what the manual says I managed to get cruise control to work at 28mph much to the annoyance of the motorists behind me. For some reason however my Vivaldi tape started to play at half speed. My car seriously needs servicing but as I was about to put it in storage I had made no plans to do anything with it in the near future. My dad had offered but he got sick recently and is laid up for the time being.

During a moment of boredom I sat down with a notepad and worked on a better story line for the current comic. I wrote down the names of all my friends and then worked them into the story as characters that P.I Dick Chase will meet as he attempts to solve the case. The new characters should help the story flow better and should help me add that essential touch of humour. I've been so busy messing around with the templates and PhotoShop affects that I wasn't really paying much attention to the story.

Enjoy!

- 11.10.2001 -

I've had a bitch of a day.

Drove dad into town today and went for a walk. Ended up at the opticians so decided to see if I could get an eye test there on the spot. I could. Thirty minutes later and the optician was asking me if I used computers.. a lot. Apparently I have damaged my eyes.

When you look at a computer screen for long periods of time, you blink a lot less. This means that there is little lubrication covering the eyes so they become overly sensitive. So that explains why they water if there is a change in light or temperature or a light wind.

To correct the damage already done I have to stop using computer screens. Oh fuck. And take eye drops and put a cream on my eyes at night. Now the former I can do, but not the latter. I have a phobia of anything touching my eyes. And I mean anything. As a kid I remember being held down by two nurses and a doctor as they held open each eye and put drops in. I hated it. So fuck knows what I am going to do.

I told him I've quit my computing job and my computer time is down to almost an hour a day. But no, that is not enough he says, I need the drops and cream.

(And yes I see the irony in using a computer to type this up)

…

I've started in on my paperwork. Cancelling subscriptions, updating people with addresses etc. I call up the car insurance company to change my address. Now Middlesbrough has a higher car crime rate than Ipswich and last time I did this I had to pay a £40 extra fee. So I call up the insurance company and they say I must pay an additional £174! Fuck that. How about taking it down to 3rd Party Fire & Theft? A further £67 still. I tell them to cancel my insurance and send me a refund.

I called up the guy who was interested in the car but he was not in so I left a message. I checked out Autotrader to gauge what its worth. About half what I paid for it. Fuck. If I don't sell it I can put it down the bottom of the drive, claim the road tax back etc and leave it. I'm not going to make a huge loss on this like my last two cars. No way.

- 15.10.2001 -

Crime, Theory's and ?

That guy never got back to me about the Supra so I forgot about selling it and put it out of my mind. I was still pissed at the high insurance costs but it is well deserved. Middlesbrough has a very high crime rate. I've been offered all sorts and I've only been back a few weeks!

I'm getting around either on foot or bike these days. I cycled to the hardware store recently to get some batteries for my bike lights. As I walked in the store the shop assistant said, "you don't wanna leave that there". She meant my bike, which I had leaned against the wall outside. "That'll go in a sec trust me" she continued. As I went to move it some kids got pissed that I had come back out of the shop and sat down on the wall a few meters away. They watched me lock it up.

Last night I had the window open in my room and I heard some laughing outside. Some teenagers with cans of lager were laughing as one guy tried to pull my aerial up on my car. I pulled on my trainers and went outside and right up to the kid. His friends stopped laughing and he turned around to see me. I really really wanted to punch this guy's lights out. I was so mad! I guess he could see the fury in my face as he went "alright mate" and moved away. They all left and headed down the street. As soon as they were out of reach they started in on the "oway then" shouting but I ignored them. There was no damage to the car. The aerial is electrically controlled and goes down into the bodywork. They'd wiped the condensation over the windows off on mine and mam's cars off to see if there was anything worth stealing inside.

Today I got back from the dentists to find some kids watching a teenager with a pump action shotgun shoot at passing traffic. It was a BB-gun replica but I'm sure the motorists did not know that.

Not a day goes by that I don't hear about some crime and it pisses me off. I'm starting to miss Ipswich and the quieter life! Some guy up the road had his show dog set upon by some guy with two vicious dogs. He found the owner later and said he owed him £100 for vet's bills. The owner said "So what?" The police paying him a visit a bit later was what. The weird thing is I remember the kid's sister. I took her on a photo shoot some years ago. Now she's hooked on drugs that her dealer boyfriend supplies. Yes, folks, welcome to Middlesbrough where I worry about my little sister working in a convenience store late at night, where my older sister lives on her own with her little kids, and whom has been broken into four times. Yep, you are welcome to it.

…

I started going around to see my nephew recently. At first it was to baby-sit but now it's to play on his PS One as well. He has the original Tomb Raider game and I've been whizzing through it. It seemed harder the first time I played it. I guess once you have mastered the walk-to-edge, step back, run and jump manoeuvre, the rest is easy. I reckon I'll have it finished in a few more visits. (Of course I'm really there to see my nephew, now turn on the PSX goddammit!).

My legs started to hurt and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then I figured it out, exercise! Every night I've started taking the dog out for a jog. Its good exercise for the both of us. Looks like its working as my legs are really stinging the next day. I jog at night so no one sees how crap I am at it. I have to keep stopping every so often! Practice makes perfect I guess so I'll keep it up.

…

My sisters theory

My sister has this theory about men. That we get tired of the same woman after about two weeks. After this initial period we start looking around and as soon as we find the next one, we dump the current one. With women, as soon as they know that they can have a guy if they want, they loose interest. They don't need to sleep with them, unlike men.

I've thought about this theory. It's probably true to be honest. I remember seeing this documentary once where it explained that men have the need to sow their seed with as many females as possible before they get too old. With women they have this mothering instinct so as to protect their babies. That would explain all the need for cuddling. God I hate that. Every woman should know that after sex is sleep time! Unless the guy has some energy left then its Playstation time. Cuddling and discussing our feelings is not on the agenda. Trust me.

Getting back to my sister's theory. I believe that it could stem from puberty and pr0n. You see, when guys have access to pr0n they don't just look at one set of pictures of the same girl. Oh no, they need to move on to the next and so on or it gets boring. Have you ever seen a guy keep the same babe poster forever? Nope, they need to be changed every time you spot another one of a better looking babe. Trust me, Dr.Dave knows all. Guys get bored easily!

The exception to this rule is true love. If a guy just 'clicks' with a girl then he'll forget about other women for a while. Then he'll look -and if he has any sense- won't touch. But for true love there has to be something there deeper than looks. Trust me, a guy checks out the girl first then comes her personality. Unless they met over the internet. But that's a whole different subject that I don't want to get into now. Of course I reserve the right to change my opinion, as I grow older. (And to delete these entries when I sober up and think "oh shit, what did I just write on the internet?").

- 18.10.2001 -

I'm really starting to hate needles

I'm starting to feel like a human pincushion. I've been to the dentist three times and had about 4 injections of local anaesthetic each time. Plus I've had my Hep A, Typhoid, Hep B and Rabies shots. The last two are currently hurting like hell. My shoulders just ache all the time. I think I had a bad reaction to yesterday's rabies shot. I felt physically ill and drained of all energy. I fell asleep and woke up with gut ache and sore shoulders.

This last week has felt like a constant trip to health specialists. I've had a health check-up several vaccine jabs, an eye examination and dental work. I no longer hate needles but I do feel some sympathy for those that have to have injections everyday.

All I have left now is two more rabies shots, two more Hep B shots and a Tetanus and Diphtheria booster. The last shot is scheduled for the 28th Nov so I can leave after this date. From now until then I think I'll take care of the last few details that need to be sorted before I leave. At least now I can answer people when they ask when I am going.

- 22.10.2001 -

Loss of independence, dreaming about submarines, phobias and a suicidal dog

I've been thinking about my flat recently. The one I had in Ipswich. I guess I'm starting to miss it or more likely, my independence.

When you live with your family you are effectively stepping into an already established routine. Meals at specific times, responsibilities, etc etc. When you are on your own however you can do what you want when you want and I miss that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining (honest). I just feel I have become lazy and complacent. I no longer do my own laundry or cooking and I haven't shopped since I got here. So in a laid back sort of way I do miss my independence.

So I was thinking about my flat. I was thinking how cosy it was and how I'd sit in the window and watch the ducks swim by in the early hours while sipping my cup of tea. I'd watch all the traffic drive by as I tried to raise the urge to get ready for work. And yes, I actually miss work too. Not my boss though, I still don't miss her. I just miss my colleagues. If I were honest I'd say that working at BT labs was pretty good. Having a good friendly team to work with was good. Having mates on site to grab a coffee or lunch with was even better.

So I'm thinking about my flat and as I picture each room I remember the items I left behind out of forgetfulness and I mentally kick myself. I left my Terry Pratchett calendar in the front room on the wall. It probably has some dates marked on it that I'll forget now. (Guys, email me your birthdays!) I made the mistake of telling mam I left it. She reminded me that it was a present from her and it wasn't cheap. More guilt.

I also left the TV aerial lead in the wall that I paid a fortune for when I went shopping for one with Hing. Only to find one at a quarter of the price a few days later in town.

Other items left behind were cleaning fluids, coat hangers, dustpan and brush, and some bathroom stuff. These were left due to space problems in the car and the fact that they were cheap to replace. Besides, cleaning fluids could spill and make a mess.

I'm not in a hurry however to get back to my career. I still have the need for adventure. This was voiced in a recent dream I had. I dreamt that I bought a submarine very cheaply and together with a handpicked crew, we set sail for Russia. I have no idea why. It was a dream! Either it was my sense of adventure controlling my unconscious mind, or JP was finally rubbing off on me. ;o)

…

I was on babysitting duty again recently. I was watching my youngest niece and my ex-girlfriends dog for the night as she and my sister went clubbing. My favourite program, C.S.I was on so I sat and watched that for a bit. Afterwards I rummaged through sis's video collection only to discover that what was written on the label is not necessarily what is on the tape. I watched a few old episodes of Angel and Buffy before finding the blockbuster film, Volcano.

I haven't seen an episode of either vampire series in a while and I had forgotten how entertaining they were. The characters looked a lot younger than they are now. I soon got immersed in the show and hoped that there would be a few more seasons still to come. It is very rare that you get a show this entertaining every episode.

You soon get bored after watching too much TV all in one sitting so I switched on the Playstation and booted Tomb Raider. To my surprise I got bored real quickly. I've played this game before and completed it so why was I playing it now? I think it was the audience. Have you ever played a computer game and had a bunch of kids sat there next to you watching you play? If my sister wants some peace and quiet all she has to do is to get me to play on the Playstation and to tell the kids that "Uncle David is playing on the Playstation" and they come and sit down next to me and watch.. quietly.

They even bring in friends sometimes. The other day I had five kids sat around me on the floor oohing and aahing as I killed tigers, swam past crocodiles and did a series of jumps just to activate a lever that opens a door to a silver key. They were glued to the screen. Of course I had to pause the game when one of them went to spend a penny, get a drink or an ice-cream. Every mother should have a games console and a brother/boyfriend/husband to play on it so the kids shut up for an hour or so.

So I guess the real reason that I felt no urge to play with Lara tonight was because my audience was not in attendance. The game just seemed so lonely as I ran through empty corridors to solve puzzles. If it were a new game (Hint to Core Design!) then maybe I'd be interested in playing. As it was not, I lost interest and turned it off. Not tonight Lara, I have a headache.

My ex came back before sis. It was about 2.30am and I gotta tell you guys that in my opinion there is no greater turn-off than a drunken woman. She felt sick so I gave her a bowl and made her a cup of tea and went back to watching old episodes of Buffy. I ignored requests for cuddles and as soon as sis got back I got on my bike and cycled home to my own bed.

…

I'd overcome a personal phobia recently, that of putting stuff in my eyes. I'm not sure that this cream is working yet but I thought I'd reward myself by adding an extra hour to my daily allowance of computer time. I know I know.. guy logic is as fucked up as chick logic.

I was getting bored and needed something to do. The Detox 3.0 story line is progressing well on paper. I don't boot the computer until I have a storyboard for the next strip all laid out so that I can get it done and uploaded inside of an hour. As for typing in Wild Rain, I don't stare at the screen. It's offset to one side so I just type and type with the occasional save and then spell check and edit it when I'm done. It helps with the blinking.

As I was saying, the story line is ok but its harder to work in the jokes. I have loads of ideas for jokes but it is not easy working them into the story line. So I figured I could create another comic except that would increase my time in front of the computer. I reasoned that one of the biggest tasks that drains my time is creating the graphics. Detox 3.0 has more detail than the previous strips and thus requires more time. However, if I were to use the templates from Detox 1.0 it would take no time at all as I could just drop characters into the panes, flood fill areas with colour (ok, shades of grey) and add the speech bubbles. Easy. I've already knocked up four strips and it only took about an hour, which means even less weekly time in front of the computer.

So whereas Detox 3.0 has about 4 strips a week on average, Detox Intermission will be daily. Let me know what you think.

…

Do you ever feel that you are wasting away each day? I do. At the end of the day I think, "where did it go?" I hate it when I have no feeling of achievement. To combat this I make a list of stuff that I've been putting off for a while and leave it for me to find the next morning. The next day I think I must have been mad last night and attempt the easier tasks first. At the end of the day I've probably only completed a few of the tasks plus watched some TV, walked the dog and listened to music. Sigh, how easy it is to kill time.

Thursday's are the best days around here at the moment. That's when my grandma and Auntie visit. We all play scrabble and cards in the dining room on the big table. It's like being a kid again as they all get merry on their Lambrusco/Hock and everyone starts laughing until drink comes out of your nose because someone said something stupid. Its always nice to just have some time to unwind and have a really good laugh.

…

Did I mention my dog is suicidal? The night I had to go babysitting I figured I could take the dog for a quick run first before heading out. I had my bike out already and the dog has been going out without a lead recently so I rode and it ran alongside me. All was fine until we got to the back of the estate and I had to cycle on the road. There was no path but the dog happily ran alongside me on the left along the grass. It must have stopped as I heard a car brake hard behind me and then honk its horn. I stopped and looked back to find the dog stood in front of the car without a care in the world. The guy drove by giving me a dirty look.

After scolding the dog we continued. We had to cross further up the road so I got off the bike and walked. The dog was not interested in following as it was having a good sniff. It ignored my calls. A car started to come along the road at which point the dog started to walk across! I shouted at it to stay but it just casually walked looking sideways at the oncoming car. I watched in slow motion unable to do anything as the dog was lit up in the headlights and stopped and stared! The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped inches from my dog. Showing no interest the dog casually strolled over to me. The driver waved to acknowledge that he'd seen the dog and that all was ok. I raised my hand to say thanks and he drove on.

I was so mad. The dog avoided me as I guess it figured that I wanted to kick it up the arse for scaring the shit out of me. I almost watched my mother's dog get killed. I wasn't sure whether I was mad at it or myself for assuming that it was ok to walk without a lead and possessed some degree of common sense or life preservation. My sister has a theory (yeah, another one) that the dog is suicidal and that we are just keeping it alive and ignoring its wish to die. Not sure I agree with this one.

- 23.10.2001 -

A case of calcium deficiency

Today was supposed to be one of those days where I get a lot of jobs done, but when dad announced he was heading into town, I hitched a lift. I went for a wander and ended up at the new UGC cinema. Duncan had recommended American Pie 2 so I figured I'd try to use my card. When it did not work after the girl swiped it I knew they had cancelled it. I was supposed to be getting ready to leave the country by now going by my original plans. With forward planning I had cancelled all non-essential direct debits including my UGC card.

Of course when I say its no problem, I'll pay with cash the girl ignores me and proceeds to phone head office to find out why my card isn't working. "Oh, you've cancelled your direct debit payments" she says after five minutes. She isn't buying my surprised look and gives me a dirty look in return as she takes my money. Well, how else am I going to see if the card still works?

The film was very funny, and embarrassing. Oh how relaxed we have all become with our sexuality to make and watch such films. A sign of the times I guess.

…

After I had bought the ticket I had had about an hour to kill. I'd gone for a walk and ended up at the University. They've built some new buildings since I was last here. It felt strange being back. I went to see one of my favourite lecturers to catch up but he was not in his office. I ran into another whom recognised me immediately. We chatted about the old days and he told me about what they now teach, new equipment, new people and the Universities continuing role in supplying BT with students. He also mentioned that one of the lecturers had died earlier this year and that her husband was due to retire shortly.

I had to split soon after though to tell dad that I didn't need a lift back.

…

I went to grab a milkshake from the new McD's next to the UGC after the film was over. I handed it back after taking a taste. It tasted of vanilla ice-cream! So did the second with the third tasting only vaguely of chocolate. Looking inside it was a very pale brown. They said that's how they are. I hope not everywhere otherwise my favourite drink is no more. Could Mc'D's have cured me of my favourite addiction by ruining the recipe or is it just this one place? Looks like there is no need for me to go to McD's while here.

No buses were going my way so I started walking back. I'd walk to the next bus stop, look back and if no bus came I'd move on. Soon I was not far from my sisters so I headed there. My nephew was there and immediately asked if I had my Playstation memory card with me. Am I that predictable? Yep, I fished it out of my pocket. You never know when you will come across a Playstation. :o)

Soon I had four quiet kids watching me as mum got on with some housework. I was up to the Egypt level so when the panther came off-screen and dived for Lara unexpectedly, the kids freaked and ran to hide behind chairs. You just can't get that sort of atmosphere from a box of electronics!

…

Somehow I'd managed to damage my leg with all that walking. I'd walked home from sis's after the kids had gone to bed (and Farscape had finished) and I was soon slowing down with the pain. My right leg hipbone was grating on my pelvis and it was pretty painful.

I had already decided after I had got up this morning that I would be up at the crack of dawn the next morning. Why? Well because when we got up this morning we had no milk. A gang of teenage girls was operating in the area stealing milk off of people's doorsteps. It appears we had been targeted this morning and so we had none. I was extremely pissed at learning this. With nothing better to do I figured I'd get up early, wait for them and pounce. Well, hobble. Damn this bad leg!

I woke up at 4am, which appears to have been too early for the milkman as he wasn't here yet. I felt like that guy in the old black and white film. The one in the wheelchair with nothing else better to do but stare out of the window until he witnesses a crime. Picture it, me sitting at my computer desk peering out the window into the drizzle waiting for some milk thieves. Jeez, I must have gotten so bored that I've turned into an amateur sleuth straight out of an Enid Blyton novel. I soon grew tired and fell asleep with the curtains open. I figured the headlights of the milkfloat would wake me. I figured wrong and did not wake until much later. We did get our milk today however. Maybe the rain kept the girls in this morning.

I'll get them next time though.. Dick Chase will have his man.. er girls. ;o)

- 24.10.2001 -

All brothers should own at least one baseball bat

I was out again today therefore there is no new Detox 3.0 comic. Oh well. I had wasted away the morning only to go out to sis's later to see the kids. Gained a few more levels on Tomb Raider too before taking them to the park.

I'd forgotten how much fun it is to be a kid. Today I see the park as a place to walk the dog or kill some time. The kids saw it as an adventure. They all wore their wellies and saw each puddle as fun rather than an inconvenience to walk around. They competed against each other to see who can find the deepest puddle first, as kids do. I let the two oldest run on ahead while I walked the smallest through the puddles in her little pink wellies. You could not keep yourself from smiling as you looked at the smirk on her face as she splished and splashed through each puddle.

The plan was to meet up with mam who was walking the dog, at the duck ponds. The kids hid in the trees but when she failed to show I had to call her. Its amazing how we embrace a technology and then forget what life was like before it was around. Mam still calls her mobile a 'telephone'. When I hear the word telephone, I think of a static object at home or in a phonebox. I see the mobile phone as a sort of walkie-talkie that just happens to connect to the telephone network.

I always have fun when the kids are around. Their playfulness rubs off on me and for a while I forget about being an adult and everything that comes with that responsibility and just have fun. Being a kid again can be liberating but the adult in you is always there at the back of your mind making sure they do not wander off, talk to strangers, pet stray animals or do anything that can harm them.

A few people say that I'd make a great parent because I'm great with kids. I love making up games to play, putting a spin on things and making any simple task an adventure. In other words I suffer from the Peter Pan syndrome (the big kid that never grows up). But being a parent is more than that. You have to think about them all the time and I have trouble organising my own time. You have to watch them like a hawk and protect them from harm. You need eyes in the back of your head.

I remember this conversation I was having with a female friend some years ago about having kids. I said, sure I'd like some one day. I think I was being amiable because I wanted to get into her pants. When my last girlfiriend said that I'd make a great father and that her kids really liked me, warning bells went off in my head. Don't get me wrong, we did not break up because of this. It was more a case of the conversation was entirely too adult for my liking and I was not ready to grow up just yet. I guess it was at that point that I realised that there is a tonne of stuff I want to do before I settle down. I see people on the streets that are still in their teens pushing prams, shopping for nappies and discussing mortgages and I think, no way is that going to be me.

Do you ever get relatives asking you when you are going to find the right person and settle down and give them grand-kids/great grand-kids/nieces and nephews etc? Do you find it annoying? I do! Telling them 'when I am ready' is not enough to pacify them. It so pisses me off when they say that to me. Once when a distant relative said that, I replied 'I'm not done sowing my seed yet'. Man I must remember not to drink around family. But it worked and they haven't asked me since.

In the species encyclopaedia it probably says under human:

Human /'hju:man/ adjective
Male and female get together, breed in order to provide offspring to satisfy blood relations, get a house, car and invite blood relations over to discuss wallpaper patterns and how specific offspring of blood relations were a specific height the last time you saw them.

I don't want to sound cynical but I just don't want to buy into the 'happy families' lifestyle just yet. To quote my mother 'I'll settle down when I meet the right girl'. Meanwhile I'll try all the wrong ones first.

…

After the park we got back and played on Tomb Raider some more until it was their bedtime. Sis and me watched some crap program about paintball gaming while the Indian we had ordered got brought over via Timbuktu. I have no idea why this program was ever conceived as to me, paintballing is not a spectator sport. The only thing it had going for it was that the women had these huge chests. Sis explained her theory that any skinny woman with a chest that big meant A) They were padded or B) They were implants. I should start writing down all her theories. I could write a book. I think it may already exist as 'Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars'.

I left after the Indian when her new beau called. She'd brought him home one day and he came up to me and said his name and stuck his hand out for a handshake. I found this so weird that I just looked at it and he took it away. An observer may have taken this as rude on my part but A) I was not expecting it and B) I'm her brother. The latter means that by law (brotherly law) we get to dislike all of the boyfriends that our sisters bring home. It is a privilege. Another is that we are allowed to talk about our baseball bat collection and that they can see a few items from said collection, close up, should they hurt our sister in any way.

Another reason is that when I was younger, she had brought home a few guys that promised this and that in order to appear friendly with her brother. This all turned out to be bullshit and said brother now distrusts and guy she brings home. The last two were semi-ok because they sold me their mountain bikes cheaply (they never use them). In fact it's a running joke for me to say to sis 'Have you get a new boyfriend yet as I need a new mountain bike?'. Such is brotherly love.

…

What's with quizzes? As soon as someone mentions a quiz your brain immediately thinks 'I'm good at quizzes'. So when the folks asked if I wanted to go to the local pub quiz I said yes (the height of my social calendar folks!). Of course I answer only two questions the entire night. I have this wealth of knowledge, which allows me to be above average at trivial pursuits (in my own opinion), but at pub quizzes I'm crap.

Besides. I think it was fixed. All the questions appealed to an older audience. That's my excuse. How am I supposed to know the actors name in Peak Practice? Do I look like the sort of person that stays in and watched crap adult programs? Don't answer that.

…

Got up early this morning. No milk thieving bizatches today.

- 25.10.2001 -

Lord of the Tombs

Well I finally managed to complete Tomb Raider with much jubilation from the kids and a touch of remorse from Sis. She thinks I won't be coming around anymore to keep them occupied and is insisting I locate an original copy of Tomb Raider 2 (her PS One is not chipped). So if you have a copy going cheaply, let me know.

So as Lara sails into the sunset, the kids get out another game hoping that I'd get hooked on that. No suck luck. They chose Action Man, which was somewhat pants. I remember Action Man from Palitoy when I was a kid. In fact I still have a lot of the stuff in the loft. Action Man was all about war and it was not until the late 70's that Captain Zargon came into it. We used to play for hours having mock battles.

Today's Action Man is slightly different. He has space battles, hunts down hybrid dinosaurs and races customised street cars. A sign of the times I guess. When my nephew is older he'll remember this new Action Man as his kids play with the next incarnation.

Oh how nostalgia colours the mind. I remember the Action Man of yesterday being much better than that of today. Not so plasticky, a wider range of movements, and you could dress them in various uniforms rather than having them painted on to the plastic mould. Where is the fun in that?

…

Man luck is not with us at the moment. I get a call from the farm where Dad stores his caravan. A team of professionals broke into the caravans stored there and stole anything worth stealing. Dad doesn't keep anything too valuable in the caravan so when we take a look tomorrow, hopefully all that we will have to do is fix the lock. The owner says that there is no damage to the locks, but the doors are open. This is why I believe they were pro's.

…

Have you ever seen a program called '7th Heaven'? My younger sister has gotten into the habit of watching it. It's an American show currently airing on the Hallmark channel during the day. It has a moral every five minutes and each member of the family are picture perfect. At the end of each episode they discuss what they have learnt. It makes me sick. It's a way of brainwashing everyone into being nice to each other to great excess. It should be called Mormon heaven.

One example is that one of the sister's friends passed her driving test at a young age. The mother says that the young should not be able to drive and so when she crashes the car and kills herself, the mother is proved right and the family come together, hug and discuss what they have all learned today.

So why do I watch it if it is on when I am in the room? Because the older sister (Jessica Biel) is a babe. Of course, her dad being a priest means no fornication for her so I'm still bored.

…

In an early journal entry I mentioned that I had started reading The Lord of the Rings book one. To be honest I got as far as the introduction and left it at that. I felt that the book would be ideal to read while travelling around the world. However I have failed to locate cheap copies that I can take with me. With the release of the film imminent, the books have been re-released in the stores. However these books are five times the width of the 1976 Unwin copies I have here and are about fifteen quid each. That said, I have decided to read my Dad's copies before I leave.

- 26.10.2001 -

4000 rainy nights

Headed to Toys'r'us today to get my niece a birthday present. Boy what fun it is to be a kid today. Well, a rich kid anyway. Toys are not cheap these days are they? Especially the likes of Lego and Technics. I could buy a small car with what it would cost me to build a Millennium Falcon out of Lego. But the fun you could have! "Bobba Fett? Where?".

Afterwards we popped into the Supermarket to supervise Mam. She is of the opinion that coffee is coffee and that the best is the one where you buy one and get one free. I gave up some extra cash to have some quality coffee, some choice wines and some of my favourite savouries.

Next Dad and me headed to the farm to check out the damage to the caravan. We had to leave the car in the lay-by and step in a bucket of disinfectant before entering.

The caravan was at the back of the site and was therefore open to anyone. The farmer had dug a ditch around the back so you can not easily steal the caravans (unless you had two planks of wood). This however does not stop theft.

Luckily, for us, there was only damage to the lock. My guess that these were pro's was way wrong. It looks like somewhat had hammered a screwdriver into the lock and then popped it open. The next caravan was not to so lucky. His door lock was one of those circular barrel ones. The thieves had decided to take a crowbar to the side of the door, which bent it, the lock and the doorway frame. Ouch.

Nothing seemed to have been taken from ours so we were slightly relieved. The lady at the farm said that one guy had left his TV in his and that was gone. Another was more stupid but got lucky. He had apparently turned up a few days before the robberies, not to get his caravan but the contents. Apparently he had figured that the caravan was a good place to store all the kids Christmas presents so they could not accidentally find them. Stupid or what? If he had left them a few days more he'd be a very unhappy camper.

Her son's caravan had not been touched. His had been broken into twice before so now he leaves the curtains open and the door unlocked so the thieves can see that there is nothing inside worth stealing. The insurance companies insist you must lock them but you could always say that you did I guess. Plus it saves having to replace the locks each time.

…

The Milkman called today for his money and when Mam mentioned the stolen bottle he told her the story. Apparently he delivers the milk in this area around 4.30am and the bottles are gone about 5am. Witnesses say that it is not the girls anymore but two or three fifteen-year-old boys. He's at a loss for what to do, as this is his livelihood. Although the milk is supplied by Northern Dairies, he sells and delivers it through his small company. Maybe one bored unemployed IT worker can save the day armed with his trusty baseball bat known as 'headsupdude'?

…

Sorry that there was no comic today but I was out and about which is much more preferable to being in. I also had a further three inoculations which made me drowsy so I fell asleep for a few hours. I'm awake now and I have knocked up a batch of new comic strips so enjoy!

Tip of the week: Listen to '4000 rainy nights' by a Finnish group called 'Stratovarius'. Its an amazing piece of music which starts off like a classic 80's rock ballad, moves into an AD&D like atmospheric piece and has one of the best lyrical pieces I have heard in a while.

- 30.10.2001 -

Lock stock and 2 late comics

Having three vaccines in one go proved to be a bad idea. My body shut down, my arms went numb, I got the shivers and all the other flu symptoms. For the next three days I could barely move other than to make a cup of tea or go back to bed. I managed to watch some SKY TV, read a little more of Lord of the Rings, but that's it. No Detox and no Wild Rain.

There are loads of things that have happened lately that I will get to write about here but you will have to wait. Today is really busy as I set a challenge for myself and I intend to follow through with it. First though I have to go to the dentists because this toothache is driving me nuts. I barely noticed it while ill through all the painkillers, but now it is unbearable.

I'll work on some comics later. I leave the country in a month so I must finish Detox 3.0!

David Kei

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